FootPrints

i almost forgot to...

2012-01-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

i almost forgot to share this image with the blogging world.

i walked into my daughters room and she was playing with her new dollhouse...well it almost looks like she was setting up a scene from a frat house party.

kids.

I can't believe my...

2012-01-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

I can't believe my mom bought my daughter a Justin Bieber toothbrush.

This is the same lady who swore I'd end up in hell if I ever listened to anything other than a hymn.

This is the same lady, that at a mention of a boys name, spouted off...IT'S NOT THAT I DONT TRUST YOU...I DONT TRUST THE DEVIL.

who is this lady? and where was she when i was growing up?

oh. and by the way...you better believe i'm gonna use that line on my daughter as soon as she mentions dating.

i get into some battles...

2012-01-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

i get into some battles with my daughter. by the way - she's a newly minted 5 years old. at some point one of us has to grow up and act like the adult.

I don't care that I'm not your best friend anymore...I'm rubber your glue...whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks back to you - so there!

I'm guessing it's me...

faith is much easier...

2012-01-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

Faith is much easier to talk, faith is very difficult to walk.

It's easier to be faithful when things are going my way.

These are things I'm noticing within myself as my chances of keeping baby j diminish.

I am not faithless.

I know gods will, will prevail. the thing is, i'm not sure gods will and what i want to be gods will are the same thing...

Court sucked yesterday.

2011-12-30T15:00:00.000-08:00

Court sucked yesterday. Even with the tremendous amount of lies she's spewing out, it wasn't even discussed in court!

CPS asked for a continuance. What a surprise. This boy has been in foster care for 2 years 6 months and 9 days and nothing has fricken changed. This boy needs a forever family. I am already starting to see his confusion and behaviors change after a visit. Don't they know how badly an attachment disorder will mess him up? Do they even care?

So. What did happen yesterday? CPS thinks we have no chance of winning if we went to trial. So they recommended we go to mediating with her. That's right...they want us to kiss her but and bargain for a baby.

I'm not happy.

but before i end angry. please know i feel your prayers. its the only thing that keeps me from going nuts. i could not do this alone.

not so good news and good news.

2011-12-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

sorry that it took me so long to post...many have email to find out the latest.

court was not good. not bad.

CPS is clearly unprepared and as of the 1st didnt know whose side they are taking. that's right, after 2.5 years of him being in foster care, they still know know their position. disgusting.

the GAL assures me that the slow pace of this case will work in my favor in the end. baby j is 2.5 and can not clearly express himself. is it too much to ask that they not leave him alone with a pedophile till he can clearly tell me what went on at the visit? thats what i want. court was continued till Dec 29th.

several people have advised that we (our family) seek legal counsel. have you done that before?

ON A HAPPIER NOTE....

i got to witness one of gods children get a forever family on wednesday.

wednesday my friend paula became a mommy, again.

witnessing an adoption is so overwhelming.

Happy Adoption Day Chydon

As the Avett Brothers put it beautifully...

Always remember, there was nothing worth sharing

Like the love that let us share our name

i dont handle stress well...

2011-11-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

i dont handle stress well. so if you see me today and i look a little wack, it's because i'm not handling my stress so well. it could also be because i'm self medicating with coffee.

tomorrow we are summoned to court for an emergency hearing to grant UNSUPERVISED visits to baby J's birth mother. to add to the mess, we lost the judge that has been with the case since the beginning. aside from my selfish motives of wanting him forever, i'm scared for his safety. if those visits are granted he will be left ALONE with a registered sex offender. i can't let my mind go there.

my faith is being shaken, but my foundation is unbreakable.

i may have flinched. but i have not lost hope.

must.go.pray.must.go.beg.

the birth of kaleb...

2011-11-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

the birth of kaleb took my faith to new heights. god knew i'd need the boost to continue in foster care.

kaleb is growing up...right in front of my eyes. he must have grown over night because he looks different today. stronger, smarter, bigger...

happy 4th birthday my boy.

last week marked my daughters...

2011-11-17T14:00:00.000-08:00

last week marked my daughters 5th year on this planet... It also marks our 5th year doing foster care. I didn't think I'd last a few weeks let alone 5 years. But. I fell in love with a blonde princess that i rescued from a pink castle high atop the koolaus...the rest is history.

So what have I learned...

I learned i must give grace to birth parents. They are hurting. Hurting people will try to hurt you. You are blessed so be a blessing...I know - easier said than done.

Also, Let yourself fall in love with your foster child. He deserves the unconditional love of a mother, even If it's gonna rip your heart out and send it through the meat grinder when he leaves.

And remember, you have no control. Not so good for the control freak mommas *raising hand*...Everything is left up to god...sure he puts social workers in the way but ultimately he calls the shots. surrender your children, worries and wishes to Him.

one last thing. there is no way i could be a successful foster parent without my family loving these children like their own. there is no way i could be successful without a community that encourages me. there is no way i can be successful without connecting with other foster/adopt families. so - thank you. thanks for everything. we're in this together.

i wasn't with you...

2011-11-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

I wasn't with you on the day you were born, we didn't meet till 9 days later. From what you tell me you were born with a crown, glowing yellow hair and a dragon was hiding you in a big pink castle. Sounds about right to me. Happy 5th birthday my princess.

I HEART FACES - BLACK

2011-11-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

i think this weeks challenge at i heart faces is a little.... challenging...

the theme for this week is black. There are already some great entries, so stop by to check them out.

so here is my submission. this hero. even superhero's have to eat.

i can't wait till some...

2011-10-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

i can't wait till some genius comes out with a useful study.

none of this:

a study finds gymnastics is a dangerous sport.

a study finds california drivers tweet more about speeding tickets

and the best yet....

a study finds studies are useless

why can't someone come out with a study that says, women are better mommies after pounding a margarita at noon. i know i'd be a better mommy. funner, sillier...thats exactly what the world needs...a bunch of hammered women raising babies.

since i can't have the noon keg stand, i've been forced to add a second cup of coffee to my day...so far it's improved my patience and ability to stay awake during lunch time.

how many cups of coffee are you up to?

i heart faces - hands

2011-10-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

this weeks challenge at i heart faces is hands!

i immediately knew what to share...i love this photo of my rocker!

Go check out the other entries and leave them some love!!

steve jobs...

2011-10-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

steve jobs - you were an amazing visionary of our time...thankfully your mother chose life. thankfully your mother chose adoption.

sometimes i forget that...

2011-09-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

sometimes i forget that Baby J is not mine.

i catch myself falling in love with him every time i hold him.

i love him and hug him and squeeze him.

then i get mad at myself for falling in love with him all over again.

it is in times like these, i ask god for less of me and more of him in this mission field he has called us to...foster care.

Baby J. i can't wait to love you forever.

just jenn always has...

2011-09-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

just jenn always has the tastiest, easiest recipes.

last week she posted a recipe for shoyu chicken with a twist! CRISPY SHOYU CHICKEN!

IT.WAS.DELISH.

and EASY.

the kids ate it up!

be sure to visit her site for the recipe. and because her pictures of the meal are 100x's better than mine!

thanks jenn.

stormie girl. you are the...

2011-09-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

stormie girl.

you are the sweetest thing that my eyes have ever seen.

you are the brightest star in the sky.

i am indebted to the angels who made me your mommy.

happy adoption-versary.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

my little guy and i love hold hands while we nap...and by we, i mean him.

i am a doctors worst

2011-08-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

i am a doctors worst nightmare. that is a fact. one or two of them have told me themselves.

you see - i'm smarter. i know more than them. they just dont know it. prior to going in (whether for the kids or myself) i have a list of questions that i already know the answers to...how do i know the answers? GOOGLE. ha!!

my kids pediatrician (who is awesome) has two rules just for me...

* DO NOT DIAGNOSE YOUR CHILDREN USING GOOGLE

* DO NOT MENTION GOOGLE IN HIS OFFICE

he'll see the light one day.

i'm lost.

2011-08-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

i'm lost.

i'm lost. my compass is broken and i have no map.

not a good place to be when your in charge.

our daughter started school in a regular ed classroom...two days in the issues began

3 weeks in and its getting worse.

her mommy is clueless.

as a mommy - nothing breaks your heart more than not knowing how to help your kid. i WANT to help stormie but i dont know how. so i sit and watch her suffer.

sensory processing disorder and her behavioral issues have left me defeated.

i can not be defeated. i will not be defeated.

i heart faces - pets

2011-08-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

i am so excited i finally have a pets photo to share! this weeks theme at i heart faces is PETS - go over and check out the other great entries!

Meet Lady B. my new niece.

I HEART FACES - EYES

2011-08-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

i haven't had much time to enter the i heart faces challenges, but when i saw this weeks theme, i knew exactly what to enter! here is photo of my daughter when she was 2. be sure to check out the i heart faces page for more entries!

the DOW is just about...

2011-08-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

the DOW is just about 500 points down.

bye bye investments. bye bye retirement. should have listened to my grandma and kept my money in my bra.

on the day you were...

2011-07-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

on the day you were born

the earth turned, the moon pulled, the sun flared and then, with a push,

you slipped out of the dark quiet

where suddenly you could hear

a circle of people singing

with voices familiar and clear.

ezekiel kūha'o

*debra frasier*

say hello to the...

2011-07-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

say hello to the newest member of our ohana!

apparently i only make boys.

apparently i only make perfect

just in case your wondering...

2011-07-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

just in case your wondering, i'm still preggo...

as of today, 9 days past the due date.

darn this stubborn child, but i'll hold out as long as the doctor allows me.

it's mostly driving me NUTS to not know if its a BOY or GIRL...

i'm hoping for another boy...which do you prefer?

i have a new pretend...

2011-07-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

i have a new pretend curse word. ready? Bido Shite!! say it. yell it. doesn't it feel like your cursing?

my kids are getting to the age of repeating, and i have a fear they will be calling their classmates bastards sooner than i think. so i stole this word from stormie and made it my own.

*bido shite* is actually the way stormie says *mosquito bite*

i was sitting in church...

2011-07-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

i was sitting in church thinking this woman was hugging her young daughter...then the congregation stood up and to my surprise, what i thought was a young girl was her elderly mother. she looked so little and fragile!

then it got me thinking how stormie will be taller than me in just a few short years and how she will hopefully care for me, when i can't do it on my own.

it got me thinking that i better be nicer to her, or she's gonna get her revenge!

so sorry to disappoint...

2011-06-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

so sorry to disappoint you stormie, but no mommy is not having a baby Justin Bieber.

Stormie: mommy. you have a baby justin bieber in your tummy?

me: nooooo....

Stormie: i want my own baby beiber with blue eyes. no, mom. i want three babies.

me: SILENT...i have nothing.

i fed my family Tater Tot...

2011-06-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

i fed my family tater tot casserole on thursday. if you watch the duggers, then you know exactly what it is.

this is the closest i'll ever become to being michelle dugger. i once tried to speak in her soft voice, but it didnt work on my crazies. so i went back to sinning. its a good thing god loves sinners. he told me.

out of 3 kids, only 1 ate it. i think the lack of color kinda frightened them. on the bright side, my hubby and i had seconds...so yummy. as you can tell, this isn't the healthiest of meals, but since i'm the one knocked up, then i get to pick what we eat. this is not my photo...mine didnt come out this pretty. you can see the photo, and the VERY simple recipe i used at Cooking with Carrie.

mikie. you should know...

2011-06-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

mikie. you should know that i see you.

i see how handsome you are.
i see how hard you work for us.
i see you tired but still playing hide and seek.
i see you staring at me when i'm not looking.
i see you trying to be a better daddy every.single.day.

i see you. and you are still the

keeper of my heart.

Happy Fathers Day.

FIX IT FRIDAY

2011-06-17T00:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't participated in the I Heart Faces fix it friday in a long time! i'm glad to be get my editing skills some practice. here are my fixes...

ORIGINAL

MY EDITS

FULL of words Wednesday

2011-06-15T06:30:00.000-07:00

i dont have the will power to share JUST a photo...

i was looking at old photos...stormie was just 2 months old...

mike and stormie. a love story that began when we met her in the NICU at 10 days old. he hasn't been able to take his eyes off of her since. i am so lucky that god gave him the same kind of love for children in foster care. the ability to love ANY child in our home. i am so glad god gave him to us.

'

we took our kids...

2011-06-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

we took our kids camping for the first time! what an experience! we have so many great memories, can't wait to do it again.

Midsummer Joys

by Winifred Sackville Stoner, Jr.

Give me the joys of summer,

Of SUMMER QUEEN so fair,

With wealth of lovely flowers

And fruits and sun-kissed air!

Talk not to me of winter

With ice and frost and snow,

Nor changing spring and autumn

When howling winds will blow.

No, I will take the joys

Of SUMMER every time,

So to this Queen of Seasons

I dedicate my rhyme.

when i think of paula...

2011-06-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

when i think of paula dean i think BUTTER. totally a good thing. because butter makes everything better. my sister discovered this recipe for Gorilla Bread and within a matter of seconds we were in the kitchen attempting to make it.

Chocolate Gorilla Bread

Ingredients

3 tablespoons granulated sugar

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 cup light brown sugar, packed

8 tablespoons butter (1 stick)

2 tubes refrigerated crescent roll dough (12 ounces)

3 tablespoons sweetened condensed milk

2 bananas, sliced 1/4-inch to make thick 48 slices

4 ounces semisweet chocolate chips (about 2/3 cup)

1 1/2 cups walnuts, chopped

Cooking Directions

Preheat oven to 350°F. Spray a Bundt pan with non-stick cooking spray. Mix the granulated sugar and cinnamon. In a small saucepan, melt the brown sugar with the butter over low heat.
Break open the crescent roll packages and separate the triangles of dough. Brush each triangle with sweetened condensed milk and top with 2 banana slices and 1 teaspoon chocolate chips; fold the edges of the triangle together and seal. Sprinkle each with 1/4 teaspoon of the cinnamon sugar.
Place half of the walnuts in the pan and top with half of the dough packets. Pour half of the brown sugar-butter mixture over the dough and sprinkle with 2 teaspoons of the cinnamon sugar. Repeat with the remaining ingredients. Bake for 1 hour, until puffed, golden brown, and firm to the touch. Transfer the pan to a rack and allow to cool for 5 minutes. Place a platter on top of the pan and invert. Serve warm.

SO sorry for the horrible FINAL photo...but i was KINDA in a hurry to eat em'. SO delish. Paula Your Da' Man.

i call people fool...

2011-06-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

i call people fool on a daily basis.

after 35 years of sitting in church, this weekend i learned what the bible says about that.

(Matthew 5:22) - "... and whoever says, 'You fool,' shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell."

i'm guessing i'm on the elevator headed down.

my princess graduated last week...

2011-05-31T14:00:00.000-07:00

my princess graduated last week. when did i get old enough to have a daughter entering kindergarten? when i look in the mirror i still see 23 year old. a very immature, selfish 23 year old.

this was a big accomplishment for her...2 years in a special needs preschool and now she will be transitioning to a regular ed. classroom. i dont know if she's ready. all i can do is PRAYPRAYPRAY.

i do know that i will do everything i can to help her succeed. to help her be the best she can be. stormie. my shining star. mommy is so proud of you.

if you dont laugh...

2011-05-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

If you dont laugh at this photo, something is seriously wrong with you.

this is a photo of my daughters preschool class that was posted at their graduation.

HILARIOUS. CLASSIC. REAL.

this is love.

2011-05-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

this is love.

love is not jealous.

love does not boast.

love does not dishonor others.

today i am not acting in love.

today i am acting in selfishness.

today i dont want Baby J to go back with his birth mom.

today i am praying that i will be his forever family.

today i am praying that the judge gives my family favor.

today i am praying i will not return from court with a broken heart.

this is not perfect love.

but.

this is my love.

i am home.

2011-05-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

i am home.

when i walk in the door i get of whif of the diapers sitting by the door

when i step on an army man that leaves in indent in my heel

when i'm summoned to the bathroom to wipe someones butt

when i break up a brawl between 3 toddlers.

when i am demanded to kiss a booboo

when i exhausted

i am home.

my parents have a pet.

2011-05-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

my parents have a pet. she's been in the family for years. she's so cute and ugly at the same time. My daughter refuses to believe she's all dog. She insist she's half dog half cat. i personally think the dog looks like a lab rat gone wrong. but she's so ugly she's cute.

meet PRINCESS. part cat. part dog. part lab rat.

my mom is gonna kill me for writing this, but she forgave me for making fun of her other pet...

blogging is hard when...

2011-05-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

blogging is hard when your surrounded by sick kids. my daughter had a stomach bug last week, and now Kaleb has it. YUCK. kaleb does a Montessori Based HomeSchool Program, so we worked on refining (in the words of Kaleb) our *HO PUNCHING* skills. a skill that will come in useful someday. i mean, don't you use your HO PUNCHING skills often?

i was getting my daughter...

2011-05-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

i was getting my daughter dressed for her MayDay Program at school, when i turned around she was missing. i found her in the restroom.

me: what are you doing?

stormie: mom...i had to do my gloss and fix my boobs, they were too high.

this little girl is growing up way too fast for me.

i just received a notice...

2011-04-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

i just received a notice that they will be increasing Baby J's visits with his birth mom. this only means one thing to me - CPS is preparing to send him home.

they can't just hand me a notice and expect me to be cool. don't they know i'm knocked up and full of CRAZY hormones.

i see a move to china in our future. surely a brown couple with a giant white 2 year old wont draw any attention.

yesterday i cried when my...

2011-04-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

yesterday i cried when my kids asked me for a snack.

dont laugh.

i got so overwhelmed from hearing 'MOM' 13,846,903,804 times that when it was said for the 13,846,903,805th time i couldn't take it.

the pressure of having 3 toddlers that depend on you for EVERYTHING is heavy.

THERE'S NO CRYING IN MOTHERHOOD

i bet you never feel that way. i wish i could be more like you.

baby j celebrated his 2nd...

2011-04-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

baby j celebrated his 2nd birthday yesterday. surrounded by friends and family. feeling as loved and spoiled as he deserves.

my prayer is that he is placed in the healthiest place for him. my prayer is that he is in the home that will show him TOO much love.

my prayer for him is that he will never know the turmoil of foster care that surrounds him.

baby j. you make me smile. i love you more and more each day. happy birthday.

i feel so much better...

2011-04-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

i feel so much better going into this easter. last year i was a bit discouraged that easter snuck up on me and my kids were convinced easter was all about some damn bunny.

this year i've totally brainwashed them. bunnys have no place in our easter. for our family, easter is about the son of god sacrificing his life on the cross and rising THREE DAYS LATER.

crucified. crucified to set me free. crucified to set you free. yup. you. and. me. some ONE loves us that much.

i wish i was one of those...

2011-04-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

i wish i was one of those moms who doesnt get pissed when their kids mix different colors of playdough together. but i do. i'm still a work in progress.

who knew that underwear...

2011-04-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

who knew that underwear are so expensive!?!

now that kaleb is fully potty trained i needed to build a supply. i was shocked to find that his underwear are 3 for $6.99 or 6 for $13.99. HOLY COW. and his butt is so little!

when i was a ross the other day i saw a 5 pack for 5.99...i COULD NOT pass it up, so i bought them. i guess i should have known they were at Ross for a reason, because when he put them on...let just say he had no coverage on the left side.

Kaleb: where are the pictures? (the underwear were plain)
Me: there are no pictures on these ones.
Kaleb: mom, no buy cheap underwear any more.

damn middle class kids.

oh how i love you...

2011-04-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

oh how i love you 50mm...you are my new best friend.
i've been waiting to buy this lens for sometime now, and finally got my hands on one. so glad i did. i didnt think my kids could look much cuter - but they do. look for yourself.

so much for WordlessWednesday...

2011-04-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

so much for WordlessWednesday. you should know by now that me and lack of words dont really work.

Thanks to Nippon Nin, when she posted her recipe for Strawberry Shortcake, it kinda just went with the photo i had selected.

so. here. enjoy stormie eating a strawberry and then go check out Nippon Nin's recipe, make some AND send me a sample.

something you dont know....

2011-04-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

Something you don't know about me....i never wanted to have children. Mike poisoned my brain to make me believe it was the right thing to do. i knew i never should have trusted him...but i did. The photo (left) is from a book i wrote for him "100 reasons we should not have kids" After all those reasons, i still failed to change his mind.

i had/have enormous doubts in my mind about my ability to care for and love unconditionally. you see. i have a secret. i. am. selfish. in fact it's my middle name. but kids do something to you. they intoxicate you with sweetness and cuteness and make you forget all about the mishap they had scissors and hair.

i'm glad he changed my mind, but i'll never admit it. ever.

it was bound to happen...

2011-03-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

it was bound to happen. i just wish it didnt happen on my watch. i wish it happened on mikes so i could blame him, and i could remain perfect parent.

my daughter gave 1/4 of her left side of hair a bob.

it was my fault. we were working on her cutting skills...i left for 23.5 seconds to put baby j in his crib, and when i returned there were blond strands leading to behind the couch. it was there i found the guilty party.

she was more freaked out that now she wasn't Rapunzel anymore.

no matter how many times...

2011-03-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

no matter how many times i open these bastard Pillsbury rolls - it still scares the CRAP out of me.

Slice of Life - I Heart Faces

2011-03-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

The challenge this week at I heart Faces is - SLICE OF LIFE! Check out their site to see all the great entries!

here is my princess, taking a slice of life to nap on a float tube during our family vacation last week. this is the life.

i have no patience...

2011-03-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

i have no patience when it comes to waiting for kaleb to use the restroom.

will you please hurry up and squeeze something out?

i really am a horrible mother.

when we were young...

2011-03-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

when we were young, our family vacations consisted of traveling 26 miles to waikiki. they may not have been the 4 star hotels on the strip, but my family was there and we had free rein to jump on the beds. thats really what mattered.

our family had the great opportunity to stay at the koolina beach club for a few days. even though it's 10 minutes from home, it really is 100 million miles from reality. i had so much fun because my kids had fun. in fact my daughter stated she would not be returning to the old house, she liked the new one. i'll miss you days of swimming, maid service, and lava flow drinking...virgin of course....

when my baby brother...

2011-03-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

when my baby brother was born, i was 17 years old. i was mommy #2. i'd feed him, rock him to sleep, and tell him how perfect he was.

in my mind he's a 3 year old with long curls.

a 3 year old that uses words i have to look up in the dictionary.

a 3 year old that asks for my credit card number to support his lego habit.
now i'm in the neighborhood of 30's. somehow he grew up when i wasn't looking. he's off to the prom. if he didnt have a gang of friends around, i may have shed a tear. maybe i shed one in my car, but i'll never tell.
i love you brother.

i heart faces - Sun Flare

2011-03-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

This week's challenge at I Heart Faces is Sun Flare! Be sure to check out their site for all entries!

This is a photo of my daughter and husband...sharing a magic kiss.

a few minutes ago...

2011-03-11T00:29:00.000-08:00

a few minutes ago we (hawaii) was placed under a Tsunami Warning...beaches and flood zones are not being evacuated. This is a result of the 8.9 earthquake in Japan.
We live at the top of a pretty big hill, so we are safe.
The first Tsunami wave is expected to hawaii at 3AM. Please keep my state in your prayers...also pray for friends in Japan.

the saddest part of...

2011-03-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

the saddest part of foster care is realizing you can't save them all.

for me it really is sad. it makes my heart hurt. it makes me question - everything.

i met this beautiful baby girl when she was born a few months ago. she is the foster daughter of a friend. she received a serious diagnosis this week. one that has her life ending within 2 years.

the reality is my family is not in the position to adopt her. the reality is finding a family to adopt her will be BEYOND difficult. the reality is she will die family-less.

family-less. the worst way to live. that breaks my heart. that brings tears to my eyes. family-less. the worst way to die.

i'm trying to figure out why god has placed her in my life. why i can't stop thinking of her big brown eyes? what is my purpose in her life?

i'm praying for her. wont you join me?

this was supposed to be...

2011-03-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

this was supposed to be a wordless wednesday entry....but the lotus blossom is very special to me and i had to say something about it!

i love how it's grown in muddy water. aren't all the beautiful things grown in rough conditions? diamonds...me....lotus blossoms....you...

when times get muddy and unclear - keep persevering. something beautiful is about to bloom.

some people dont like...

2011-03-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

some people don't like to admit their jealous. i have no problem saying it....see i just said it - I'M JEALOUS.

Mike and i have taken a special interest in watching The Locator, mostly because of the adopted children who are seeking their biological parents. we know one day this conversation will come up in our home. and the truth is - as much as i wanna celebrate her being adopted, i dont wanna be reminded of the fact that she has another mother.

adoptive moms - please dont judge me. just let me get this off my chest.

i can already feel my heart hurting...what if my kids like their birthparents better? what if their funner? prettier? richer? smarter? what if they cook better? what if they ARE better? i'm just asking. and i'm asking out loud. which i should probably stop.

the truth is. i wanna be her only mother. her number 1. the truth is i'm fearful.

i got a nice kick in the but from Courtney at Storing Up Treasures...thanks for reminding me - it's not about me.

"Your kids are always going to love their birthparents. Always. I hope that instead of being hurt over it, you can give them the freedom to express this love. Give them space to feel their pain. Give them understanding and compassion. They need to know you will love them no matter what and that you will be their safe person to let it all out with. They need to know you aren't going to be hurt and that what they are feeling is normal. Pray for them. And direct them to the healer of all healers. Don't beat yourself up. Don't worry that there is something wrong. The pain they are experiencing is beyond anything you or I could ever begin to comprehend. Ever. But that doesn't mean that we can't love them through it."

while the rest of the...

2011-03-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

while the rest of the free world is enjoying GREEN EGGS AND HAM, here in Hawaii we celebrate with Green Eggs and Spam.

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!!

anything BUTT a face...

2011-03-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

anything but a face is the theme for this week's challenge at i heart faces. i've tweaked it a little and renamed it *anything BUTT a face*

kaleb is potty training right now. yesterday he asked if he pee'd in his pants would jesus be mad....hhhmmmm. is that a trick question? of course jesus is gonna be mad...ggggaaaahhhhh

Here is my entry into this weeks challenge. enjoy peeps.

here is a photo of the... {hawaii family blog}

2011-02-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

here is a photo of the company my daughter keeps in her bed. very scary. apparently they all help her sleep better.

would it be wrong... {hawaii foster care blog}

2011-02-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

would it be wrong to give baby j's judge a kiss?

she is awesome. bottom line - no unsupervised visits till she says so.

she needs birth mom to start treatment and test negative! the judge also needs to see that she can care for the new (addicted) baby she just had.

in the judges words *I am not convinced it's in baby j's best interest to be removed from a happy, healthy placement. you, (birth mother) just need to make one wrong move and we'll move to terminate rights.*

thank god for giving us the same judge! i am so grateful.

i heart faces - phone photo cgallenge

2011-02-20T20:00:00.000-08:00

This week at i heart faces the weekly challenge is to submit your best phone photo. this photo certainly is not my best, but it is my favorite.

Kaleb and i go on a date to Jamba Juice or Starbucks every tuesday after his class. i love our alone time.

this photo was taken on an iphone with the hipstamatic app.

From FootPrints

FIX IT FRIDAY

2011-02-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

i have missed fix it friday for the last two weeks and wanted to jump back on the train! i love this exercise in editing! Go check out i heart faces for more entries!

ORIGINAL

MY EDIT

mike and i watched a... {hawaii blogger}

2011-02-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

mike and i watched a DVD called Children Underground. it's one of those movies that reminds you there is still so much that needs to be done in the world. there are still so many children that need a home. there are still so many people lost and hurting. searching.

it reminded me of an article i read. when i first read this quote i wanted to write a blog about it.

"Sometimes I would like to ask God why He allows poverty, suffering, and injustice when He could do something about it.”

“Well, why don’t you ask Him?”

“Because I’m afraid He would ask me the same question.”

(Anonymous) -a quote from A Hole in the Gospel, by Richard Stearn, President of World Vision.

but now that it's here...i really have nothing to say...your either gonna ask god the question or not. having the answer is worse than not knowing, because then you have to do something about it.

this man is my valentine.... {hawaii family blog}

2011-02-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

this man is my valentine.

this man is the best dad to all the children that call this home.

this man is the best husband when i want control of the remote.

this man is an amazing worship leader.

this man is the worst teller of lies.

this man is the best at reminding me that i am worth every cent.

i love you handsome. and so do the crazies - in their own way.

could my daughter really... {hawaii parenting blog}

2011-02-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

could my daughter really be crushing by 4? if i remember correctly, when i was 4 boys still had cooties.

who is her crush? none other than Justin Bieber.

she requests his song in the car. and pretends to talk to him on the phone. at bed time she chose to pray for her princess shoes, but her daddy insisted she pray for a human. and she chose bieber.

I guess if his movie is successful he has her to thank. and god.

today, stormie noticed someones... {hawaii adoption blog}

2011-02-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

today, stormie noticed someones skin color. it was the first time ever. or at least the first time she said it out loud.

we were watching doogie, and raymond (the orderly) entered the room.

stormie *mommy. he's brown.*

me *mommy is brown*

stormie *no, mommy is pink and stormie is yellow*

me *but our color doesn't matter right? we still love everyone*

stormie *yeah. mommy i wanna be brown too*

i'm sad that she notices our color. for the obvious reason, but also because that means she's growing up and will soon realize that she wasnt made by me. then comes all the questions and feelings associated with that.

only god will be able to equip me with the right words and answers. and of course you all - my dear blogger friends.

when was the first time your children noticed color?

my niece kelsea is... {hawaii family blog}

2011-02-07T13:30:00.000-08:00

my niece kelsea is seriously beautiful.

when she was younger (and we were kidless) we were together always. but now she's bigger and we're not so cool to hang with.

she has the kindest heart, brightest smile, and knows the all the secrets to keep her uncle wrapped around her finger.

i know she reads my blog and i thought she should know we are so proud of her and love her more than all the stars in the sky.

when i became pregnant... {hawaii foster care blog}

2011-02-03T13:00:00.000-08:00

when i became pregnant with kaleb, i was skeptical that god only ALLOWED me to get pregnant because he was planning on taking stormie away from me. stormie was not legally ours at the time. i felt my emotions teetering on happiness and sadness. it was especially difficult after giving birth and talking myself out of the hole of post-partum that traps many women.

my god gave me kaleb and stormie - for keeps.

now that i'm pregnant again, i got scared again. that god was allowing me to get pregnant so he can remove baby j. that was just for a second, then i remembered that god already showed me who is was. a god of miracles. i started breathing again. trusting in him. and remembering that ALL these kids are HIS first and mine second.

this was the longest 3 minutes... {hawaii parenting blog}

2011-01-31T11:00:00.000-08:00

this was the longest 3 minutes of my life.

you read it correctly. i'm knocked up. after 3.5 years of trying, god (again) delivers at the right time. why do i bother to doubt the guy?

in the words of my friend Jack Johnson "you gotta be careful when you got good lovin' cause them angels will just keep on multiplying"

i'm about 18 weeks...i will see a specialist to get an exact due date next week.

i have nothing more to say....i'm still kinda in shock.

it's possible that i'm... {hawaii Blogger}

2011-01-25T11:00:00.000-08:00

it's possible that i'm the only ding dong in hawaii...

in hawaii when someone does something wrong, shameful, or that's gonna land them in trouble - we say alā! or a variation of it like hambala...halala,...ala la ukulele peanut butta' jelleh' mama kissed the bebe....

ha ha crazy right? i felt crazy writing it but ask any kid in hawaii if i'm lying.

well yesterday i was reading the Honolulu Magazine and i discovered what the REAL saying is...

Ahana kōkō lele!

Which means - Shame on you! You are going to catch it!

Did you know that...please tell me you didnt.

Innocent Wonder {hawaii childrens photography}

2011-01-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

This weeks challenge for I Heart Faces is "Innocent Wonder" I just love this photo of my son and his play group buddies. they where digging in the mud and discovering rocks and bugs...i wish i could still be that easily entertained. this photo has "Innocent Wonder" all over it. please stop by their site to see the other amazing entries.

because stormie was born... {hawaii adoption blog}

2011-01-20T13:00:00.000-08:00

because stormie was born addicted, as a newborn she was easily overstimulated. bright lights, loud noises, and even eye contact would set her on a rampage.

the thing she hated most - loud music. at church during worship time, she'd throw herself back and start screaming. One service in particular, she was having a fit and Pastor Camille had come up to me and said...*dont worry about her. she's gonna grow up and become a worship leader* as much as i wanted to believe her, i couldn't.

everyday stormie proves me wrong and shatters the LIMITS I PUT ON HER. i believe she will be a worship leader...she already leads our family worship time.

FIX IT FRIDAY

2011-01-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

I missed fix it fridays over at i heart faces! thank goodness its back!!

Here is the ORIGINAL

MY EDITS

i love to honk my horn. {hawaii lifestyle blog}

2011-01-12T13:30:00.000-08:00

i love to honk my horn. no really i do. and here in hawaii, it's basically committing a sin.

going to too slow? i honk. driving like a fool? i honk. dont go the second the light turns green? i honk. look cute in those shades? i honk.

NO ONE IN HAWAII HONKS. to steal the words of Rachel Zoe - it drives me ba. nanas. i even honk when i'm not driving. my husband is a non honker, and i feel it's my responsibility to honk, even when he's at the wheel.

i guess you can call me the hall monitor of the freeway. i love my job.

are you a honker?

more than i love praying for... {hawaii mommy blogger}

2011-01-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

more than i love praying for my kids, i love watching them pray for others. it almost has me at tears when they pray. this is when i see their hearts. when i hear what is on their heart.

kaleb loves to pray for dolphins, his sister to get a green face and the library. stormie prays for her naked barbie loosing her clothes and that she remains a princess. baby j doesn't have words, but i can almost bet he's praying for more food.

anytime one of us are sick or hurt we encourage them to pray for the other. compassion in action. at 3. it really is beautiful.

i love that they will grow up with prayer as part of their lifestyle. and know at any given time they can talk to the creator of the heavens and the earth.

when i cook something new... {hawaii family blog}

2011-01-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

when i cook something new, i feel so creative. even though it's from a recipe 100% of the time! i have to start somewhere right?

Just Cook already had this great idea for PB&Mallow Rolls, and since i had everything in stock i whipped them up for the crazies. I added chocolate syrup to one for the hubby and because i'm a big heifer, i sprinkled sugar and cinnamon on top...

wonderful. delicious. easy. my kinda snack. thanks Just Cook Already.

i am heading into... {hawaii blogger}

2011-01-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

i am heading into the new year expecting a miracle.

i am expecting to be blessed and be a blessing in return.

i am believing we will adopt baby j.

i am believing god will send us another baby.

what is the miracle your expecting in 2011? let me know and i'll add you to my prayer list.

Happy New Year Friends

when i tell you all to do... {hawaii foster care blog}

2010-12-29T07:00:00.000-08:00

when i tell you all to do something you really waste no time doing it huh? yesterday i begged you to pray for a miracle and to pray for the judge. and you did.

you people must have some serious connection to god, because he listened. the judge - SHE was amazing. direct. thorough. tuff. she explained she wasnt happy with either side and there were too many unknowns that the state wasn't answering.

her ruling was to come back to court in late February. she went against CPS and ordered NO unsupervised visits because she's not convinced it would be safe.

to god be the glory. and to you my friends. thank you for keeping us sane. encouraged. and prayed for. prayer changes things.

we are headed to court... {hawaii foster care blog}

2010-12-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

we are headed to court this morning. pray for us. hard. real hard.

pray for the judge. pray that he will agree with the guardian ad litem, and deny unsupervised visits. even better - pray he deny's reunification.

pray for a freakin miracle.

the other morning i read... {hawaii blogger}

2010-12-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

the other morning i read kaleb the story of baby jesus being born. later in the morning we were walking around the hood looking at christmas decor. not so cool when the sun is up.

he found some reindeer on the someone's lawn and hopped right on.

he said *mommy...it's a donkey and me jesus....YYYYEEEEEHHHHHAAAAWWWWW*

after spending over $100,000... {hawaii motherhood blog}

2010-12-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

after spending over $100,000 on an education, this is how i spend my days.

just sayin'

FIX IT FRIDAY {hawaii photography blog}

2010-12-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

i'm always trying to better my editing skills, and thanks to i heart faces, i can do that weekly with Fix It Friday! stop by their site to see the other great edits!

ORIGINAL

MY EDITS

i had a fun time this... {hawaii childrens photography}

2010-12-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

i had a fun time this weekend playing with Amelia and James. Amelia had a million smiles for me, but james was camera shy! Happy Happy Holidays...

the funny thing about god... {hawaii blog}

2010-12-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

the funny thing about god is - he hangs around. with all my craziness. madness.

he's still here. with me. in me.

he is still here in my weakness.

he is still here in my doubt.

he is always faithful to me. even when i am faithless.

oh, how he loves me.

oh, how he loves us.

i love taking photos of... {hawaii photography blog}

2010-12-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

i love taking photos of children...the trick is trying to get children to like taking photos...

i'm not so good at that.

i did love playing with the Medrano Ohana this weekend. i'm always grateful to them for trusting me with such an important job!

what are your secrets to making kids feel comfortable around the camera?

it's been a year since... {hawaii Blogger}

2010-12-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

it's been a year since i wrote my first blog.

74 followers later.

17953 blog hits later.

i can't believe i had that much to say and still do.

so - thank you. thank you countless others that follow along...

thank you for letting me make no sense at all.

thank you for letting me be honest.

thank you for encouraging my passions.

thank you for discouraging my crazy.

i'm grateful.

FIX IT FRIDAY {hawaii photography blog}

2010-12-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

Here is my attempt at editing this week. Take the time to check out the other entries at i heart faces!

ORIGINAL

MY EDITS

my beautiful ballerina... {hawaii parenting blog}

2010-12-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

my beautiful ballerina. i think right about here i was threatening to cancel christmas if she didnt smile for me.

happy thursday friends.

baby j, how did you know... {hawaii foster care blog}

2010-12-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

baby j, how did you know i was sad?
i got off the phone and you came and cuddled up
you said *MA!* and gave me a kiss

i got of the phone with your social worker.
she didnt have good news.
they want to give you back to her, in just a few short months.

sure she has a substance abuse problem.
sure she is a sex offender.
sure she has a baby on the way.
sure you've been with me for one year.
sure she has no job.

surely.none.of.that.matters.

the time has come... {hawaii motherhood blog}

2010-12-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

the time has come when our 3 toddlers have learned to out smart 2 adults. i didnt think it would come so quickly, but once again we have under estimated them

so yesterday was THE longest day in the world. after we got all the kids in the house, my husband and i were unloading the swagger wagon. as we approached the house i heard him asking our 4 year old to open the door. then begging her to open the door. then begging the 3 year old to open the door. the 1 year old was no help.

the kids locked us out. of the house.

our 4 year old eventually began to panic when she realized she didnt know how to get us back in. luckily our kitchen window was open and my hubby popped out the screen.

it could have been a lot worse. i suspect one day it will be.

have you under estimated your crazies?

FIX IT FRIDAY {hawaii photography blog}

2010-12-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

i SO missed fix it fridays at i heart faces! LOVE love love their weekly challenges!

Here are my fixes...

ORIGINAL

MY EDITS

i was cleaning stormies... {hawaii adoption blog}

2010-11-30T11:00:00.000-08:00

i was cleaning stormies room the other day. when i went to make her bed, i lifted her pillow and found this photo of her as a baby, kissing her daddy - under her pillow. as adoptive parents its so important to know that she has the same connection to us as we do to her. and these little nothings give us all the comfort in the world.

i prayed for kaleb for... {hawaii motherhood blog}

2010-11-29T10:00:00.000-08:00

i prayed for kaleb for many many years. most times on my knees. i wanted him that badly. i wanted him on my time. but alas. god has his own watch. and runs on his own time. Kaleb came on gods time. the perfect time.

the perfect time came three years ago. the day i birthed a child. the day my faith blossomed. the day my son was born. i love watching this video of him making an entrance a few minutes after being born. happiest birthday to you my boy.