Monday, December 2, 2013

i finally got up the courage...

i finally got up the courage to put up Baby J's hand/footprint. we do one for all the kids that come through our home, so we have a reminder of them with us always.

it's just about two months since baby j left our family. i still cry at the mention of his name. i'm not sure if thats normal. my kids are still hurting and that hurts my heart.

we received a drawing from him via his therapist. i was half expecting it to tell me how much he was mad at me, but alas it was just his name written 33 times.

i miss him. i dont know when it will stop.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

the last time i put...

the last time i put myself first was seven years ago. the last time my underwear drawer was organized was seven years ago. 

the first time i laid eye on her was 7 years ago. 

the first time i became a foster parent was seven years ago.

Seven years later...many battles fought over this little girl...and she was worth it all. seven years later i am better, stronger, and full of faith that she is right were god had intended her to be. seven years later i am filled with unspeakable joy.

seven years later. happy birthday.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

it's been a week since...

It's been a week since baby j left us.

our family escaped reality and hid at a resort for a few days. it was just what we needed. what i didnt need was to come back to reality.

i miss him. i do. but my heartache doesn't come so much from missing him, it comes from not knowing if he's safe, loved, and fed.

my friends son goes to the same school as him. i asked her to spy on him for me today, just to tell me he's ok.

he didnt show up this morning, which brought all kinds of fears in my mind.

it's very hard to let go. it's very hard to not feel responsible.

Monday, October 7, 2013

One of the most difficult days... {Hawaii Foster Parent Blog}

on this day, one of the most difficult days i will face, i am removing all fear, and i am breathing Him in.

You can't see it from where you're sitting, but my heart is broken. There is an ache I have never felt before.

We said  goodbye to our foster son of 4 years.

The "you can't save them all " pill Is really hard to swallow. But in order for me to continue in this journey of foster care, I need to believe that the unconditional love I gave him for the first four years of his life will make a difference one day.

We begin a journey of healing.

Monday, September 9, 2013

some people become parents... {Hawaii Adoptive Parent}

some people become parents by giving birth....

we became parents by signing 1,763 documents. an amazing day surrounded by a village of people who love this little lady. 

it took me till she was one month old to call myself mom. i was scared she'd break my heart and leave. 
this little lady makes me proud everyday. she is an overcomer. a victor. a defeater. a conquerer. 
and god chose me to be her mother.

Happy AdoptionVersary Stormie.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

i hate making decisions. {Hawaii Blogger}

i hate making decisions.

we have to make a very big decision soon. if i could pay someone else to make this decision, i would. i am praying and seeking god for his direction.

i know what our decision needs to be...i just can't seem to make it.

i know god works all things together for good. nothing is wasted. 

i know this. now i must work on trusting this.

Monday, August 12, 2013


i'm glad these two get to make memories together. whether it be temporary or forever. I'm grateful she will always know him and have a connection to her biological family.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

before i had children...

before i had children, i had niece. she'd always spend the night, we'd go on adventures, waikiki Staycations, eat at the cheesecake factory, and be fabulous together.

i closed my eyes for a second and she grew up. i turned around and it was 10 years later. she's brilliant, kind, and loving. all the things i prayed she'd become. actually, she's just like me.

10 years later she's starting high school. 10 years later i'm still praying for her. praying she doesn't lose her wonder. praying she remains focused. praying she knows her worth. praying she knows she's loved.

i love you kel. happy 1st day of high school.

Friday, August 2, 2013

two years ago i...

two years ago i wrote about this princess...remember could you forget?
well, she was since adopted by her foster family AND became my goddaughter.
have you ever witnessed a miracle? where your heart stops? where you get goose bumps? where tears come to your eyes? just last week, at 2.5 years old, this miracle happened. She took her first steps.
this. this miracle right here, is what can happens when children are given love. when children are given family. when children are given hope.
i love you baby girl.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

dear jesus...

dear jesus,
please help people eat their food. if they dont,
they will die and go to heaven with you.

Stomies (6) prayer at dinner last night

Friday, July 26, 2013

iPHone PHriday

Wishing you all a great weekend from the west side of O'ahu. Photo taken at 6:30PM on iphone. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

this is what's happening...

this is what's happening in my kitchen. my 4 year old foster son losing his mind because his birthmother cancelled his visit for the week. he's doesn't quite understand and thinks i cancelled it because he wasn't being a good listener. so i get to hear him call me bad names and hear him tell me how much he doesn't like me...

i wish the courts could see what they are doing to this little boy.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

today my littlest love is...

today my littlest love is 2 years old...he was JUST least it feels like it.

he is the most independent of my 4.
he loves to read in hawaiian.
he loves to break dance.
ha'o loves to keep his hand down my shirt.
he loves to break rules.
ha'o loves babies.
he thinks he's 7.

he has captured my heart.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

kaleb offered the bus driver...

kaleb offered the bus driver $10 if she didnt tell me he wasn't being a good boy. she made me promise not to punish him because "he's too cute". ladies are weak for this boy. including me.

Monday, July 15, 2013

i suck. at blogging.

i suck. at blogging. but i dont need to tell you that.

after having my 4th child I felt i didnt know how to fit blogging in, let alone being smart, funny, and articulating what i wanted to say on ZERO energy and lack of brain cells.

it's approaching two years now and you'd think i'd have my crap together right? well i dont. but i do miss blogging. i miss my therapy. and i miss reading your blog, hearing about your kids, and seeing what you're cooking. so i'm gonna try a little harder. promise.

starting now.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

i liked foster care...

i liked foster care better when Baby J didnt know what was going on. now's he's 3.5 years and knows exactly whats going on. it sucks.

3.5 years into this case and not a single thing has changed.

it seems every week his birthmother is looking for a reason to destroy us. yes, destroy. this week she believes he is not being fed. she believes he is malnourished. after his doctor didnt entertain her accusations, she switched physicians. luckily, CPS ordered it back to the old one.

this week Baby J will be subjected to test after test to PROVE that he is malnourished. bone scans, blood tests, kidney and thyroid was enough to make me cry last night. i am incredibly sad for him. i am sad that i can't help him. i'm sad that i can't stop people from torturing him. what kind of protector am i. i'm not. i am no one. legally i am have NO say. and when this physician is done, she will select a different physician for a second opinion. she has already stated her intentions.

because she thinks he's not fat enough she sends him home with stuff like this after every visit -
     *2 Chocolate puddings
     *1 Chocolate cake
     *4 Chocolate cupcakes
     *1 Thomas Gummy Candy
     *1 Jello
     *1 left over Burger King kids meal
     *1 Flavored Water
     *1 Chocolate Milk
     *1 Pack Sour Candy
     *1 Pack Arare
     *1 Fruit Roll Up

and i'm the bad one...

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

18 months have gone...

18 months have gone and my baby is not so baby anymore.

he is still perfect though.

he loves to

suck his binky
lay where ever he pleases
eats non-stop
break into my iphone
shred rolls of toilet paper

i love him.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

today i saw a...

today i saw a girl on tv who made me think - thats what stormie will look like and act like when she grows up.

the girl was a gorgeous blondie, active, caring, smart, and very adventurous.

i can see that for my princess. i'm excited to see the person she will become.