Friday, February 28, 2014

i thought i was...

i thought i was rescuing her...i thought i was the knight in shining armor...but it turns out; she was the badass princess that was rescuing me. 
- steve maraboli

Friday, January 10, 2014

i'm usually pretty careful...

i'm usually pretty careful about the words i use to fill my kids up with. 

the last few months i catch myself telling my 6 year old that he's irritating. repeatedly. by the way - he really is irritating. he's really good at it, just like his daddy and my daddy. maybe it's genetic. 

words hurt. i am aware that i need to stop. 

i dont want to be the hot topic of his therapy sessions when he's 43. don't let those eyes fool you. 

let your speech always be gracious - colossians 4:6 

i'm working on it. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

i finally got up the courage...

i finally got up the courage to put up Baby J's hand/footprint. we do one for all the kids that come through our home, so we have a reminder of them with us always.

it's just about two months since baby j left our family. i still cry at the mention of his name. i'm not sure if thats normal. my kids are still hurting and that hurts my heart.

we received a drawing from him via his therapist. i was half expecting it to tell me how much he was mad at me, but alas it was just his name written 33 times.

i miss him. i dont know when it will stop.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

the last time i put...

the last time i put myself first was seven years ago. the last time my underwear drawer was organized was seven years ago. 

the first time i laid eye on her was 7 years ago. 

the first time i became a foster parent was seven years ago.

Seven years later...many battles fought over this little girl...and she was worth it all. seven years later i am better, stronger, and full of faith that she is right were god had intended her to be. seven years later i am filled with unspeakable joy.

seven years later. happy birthday.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

it's been a week since...

It's been a week since baby j left us.

our family escaped reality and hid at a resort for a few days. it was just what we needed. what i didnt need was to come back to reality.

i miss him. i do. but my heartache doesn't come so much from missing him, it comes from not knowing if he's safe, loved, and fed.

my friends son goes to the same school as him. i asked her to spy on him for me today, just to tell me he's ok.

he didnt show up this morning, which brought all kinds of fears in my mind.

it's very hard to let go. it's very hard to not feel responsible.

Monday, October 7, 2013

One of the most difficult days... {Hawaii Foster Parent Blog}

on this day, one of the most difficult days i will face, i am removing all fear, and i am breathing Him in.

You can't see it from where you're sitting, but my heart is broken. There is an ache I have never felt before.

We said  goodbye to our foster son of 4 years.

The "you can't save them all " pill Is really hard to swallow. But in order for me to continue in this journey of foster care, I need to believe that the unconditional love I gave him for the first four years of his life will make a difference one day.

We begin a journey of healing.